im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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