You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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