Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
