birth control should be required to get into college
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
