we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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