My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize