gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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