mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
