I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
Randomize