Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
