Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
