you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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