To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Randomize
