you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
