If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
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Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
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I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
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