You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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