i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Randomize
