he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
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