I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Randomize
