Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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