I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
