just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
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