I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
