Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
