fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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