I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
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