The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
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Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
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Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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