life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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