I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
