You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
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Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
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I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
How does one acquire holy water?
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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