oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
Randomize
