i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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