i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
