I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Enjoy the penises
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
