I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
