Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Randomize
