What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize