I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
