I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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