please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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