I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
