dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
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Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
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If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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