My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
