Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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