if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
