I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
