I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
it's like iHOP with fire
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
