Walk of Shame. In a state park.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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