i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
