I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Randomize
