bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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