I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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