Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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