And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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