my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
