1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
