I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
